


Richie Tozier Tells All: What REALLY Happened?

by bellowbacks



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Interviews, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21529417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellowbacks/pseuds/bellowbacks
Summary: A year after his infamous failure of a performance in Los Angeles, comedian Richie Tozier finally explains his disappearance.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 7
Kudos: 285





	Richie Tozier Tells All: What REALLY Happened?

**Interviewee** : Richie Tozier ( **Tozier** )  
**Interviewer** : Clarence Howard ( **Howard** )  
**Date of Interview** : 7 July, 2017

[Begin Transcript, 00:00:18]

 **Howard** : So, Mr. Tozier-

 **Tozier** : Call me Richie, Mr. Tozier is my father.

 **Howard** : Oh, okay, Richie. So, about the elephant in the room. 

**Tozier** : Yes, my mid-life crisis. 

**Howard** : Yeah. What actually happened a year ago?

 **Tozier** : Yeah, uh, well, it’s not some crazy drug story, or a cult thing- though it sort of is a cult thing, I’m just not in one- it’s really just… I got a call from a friend from my hometown, and shit I had repressed so far down it was filling my goddamn clown shoes- Wait, can I swear?

 **Howard** : Yeah, go ahead, also you already have.

 **Tozier** : Cool, okay. So I got a call from my friend Mike, right? And when we were kids there was this fucking crazy child sacrifice cult thing going on, that comes back later. So Mike tells me that they’re back, and I agreed to this dumb ass pact in 1989 when I was, like, 13 and had no sense of self preservation, so I have to go back to my hometown.

 **Howard** : Where is that?

 **Tozier** : Derry, Maine? It’s a shithole just southwest of Bangor, like 30 minutes.

 **Howard** : Gotcha.

 **Tozier** : So, Mike called me, but it was right before my show, so I vomited off a balcony, did a shot of bourbon, and then forgot most of my act on stage, as we all know and have memed about by now. Everyone thought I was on meth, or a crazy alcoholic, and that second one was true, but it wasn’t why I had my great freak out, y’know?

 **Howard** : Yeah, I know. So did you go back to Derry?

 **Tozier** : Yeah. As soon as that show ended, I packed my bags and flew to Maine, where supposedly all of my childhood friends and a whole lot of trauma were just waiting to see me. 

**Howard** : Trauma?

 **Tozier** : Remember the clown cult of child murderers? Yeah, when we were kids, me and my friends- we called ourselves the Losers Club- we took them down. We got them shut down, and it was fucking terrifying, and probably fucked me up for life. Luckily, and might I say quite sexily, I repressed literally all of it and didn’t remember any of my time in Derry, let alone the clown cult, or even my best friends. 

**Howard** : Holy shit.

 **Tozier** : Yeah. So when I got that call, I was fucked up. Plus, I managed to remember a bunch of shit I had repressed when I was a kid, so suddenly I was struggling with being not only in love with my best friend from middle school, but being in love with my best friend from middle school who is also a guy. 

**Howard** : Wait, what are you saying?

 **Tozier** : Oh, I’m super gay, specifically for this one guy, but we’ll get to that in a second. 

**Howard** Okay, I am holding on.

 **Tozier** : So I get to Derry, right? And I’m meeting these six fucking Losers at this Chinese restaurant. Oh, also, it’s probably important that I mention that Bev Marsh and Ben Hanscum, and Bill Denbrough are all part of this friend group. Me, Mike, Stan, and Eddie are the normal people-

 **Howard** : You’re a famous comedian.

[Pause]

 **Tozier** : Oh, yeah. Well I fit in way better with the normies than the famous Losers anyways. So, I show up, and I see Ben and Bev outside, and Bill and Mike are already inside, and then fucking Eddie walks in, and my whole brain explodes with all of the stupid gay feelings I felt for him as a kid. 

**Howard** : Eddie?

 **Tozier** : Eddie Spaghetti, Eds, Spaghetti Head, Eduardo… Y’know. He hates me.

 **Howard** : [laughs] Okay, continue. 

**Tozier** : So we eat and shit, and then Mike drops on us that we have to stop a cult from murdering kids. That’s fucking crazy, right? Yeah, I thought so too. So two celebrities, a millionaire architect, a kick-ass fashion designer, and two squares-

 **Howard** : Isn’t that Eddie, the one you’re in love with?

 **Tozier** : Yeah, but he’s a total square. He married his mom- no, stop laughing, I’m not kidding- and he became a risk analyst, which is the most boring job on the planet. He’s just as fucked up as I am, but with an anxiety disorder on top of that instead of my ADHD, so he’s a neurotic disaster, and I love him very much. Stan’s cool, at least. He has a cool wife and shit, but we’re all very weird.

 **Howard** : Gotcha.

 **Tozier** : Anyways, so we stop the cult, which goes well, and then Eddie’s in the hospital, right?

 **Howard** : Wait, wait. So you’re just going to gloss over that aspect of this story?

 **Tozier** : Which aspect?

 **Howard** : ...The stopping a child murder cult aspect?

 **Tozier** : Yep. Anyways, Eddie is in the hospital, and Stan is pissed that we got him involved at all, so he flies home, and then Ben and Beverly realize they’ve been in love since they were twelve, which is fucking cute, by the way, and then I’m sitting next to Eddie’s hospital bed in Derry, Maine and all of the other Losers are leaving to go home and I’m sitting there thinking to myself, ‘hey, Tozier, what the fuck are you doing?’. 

**Howard** : Mhm?

 **Tozier** : I realized I didn’t give a shit about anything I was doing, like, at all. Fuck the comedy shows, fuck the straight people humor, fuck the publicity. Eddie was dying right in front of me, and I just wanted to be honest.

[Pause]

 **Howard** : What did you do?

 **Tozier** : I told him I loved him, and I fired my publicist. She had been telling me that playing straight was the best way to make people like me, to make it in this industry, so that’s what I was doing. When Mike called me, and I got to see Eddie again, I knew that was bullshit. I’m fucking gay, man, and I loved that squirrely little bastard, and I couldn’t lose him again, so I told him. 

**Howard** : How’d he react?

 **Tozier** : Word for word, he said, “I fucking knew it”. 

**Howard** : [laughs] How’d he know?

 **Tozier** : There’s this bridge, in Derry, that people carve the names or initials of their high school girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever into, and when I was 15 I carved R + E, me and Eddie. He saw it, I guess, and some part of him knew it was me. Must’ve been my wildly indecipherable handwriting. 

**Howard** : How’d he recover?

 **Tozier** : Oh, great. He’s just as yappy and anxious as always, and I fucking love him for it. He, uh, he had a stab wound, and that took a while to heal, but he’s good now. He moved to L.A. with me, actually, right after Derry, and we got a new apartment so we could both start over. We got a dog, she’s a fucking bitch, and he got me to go to a few AA meetings. I’m, uh, two weeks sober now, which I’d say is an improvement, because I’ve been an alcoholic since college. 

**Howard** : Congrats.

 **Tozier** : Thanks. Eddie’s so mean to me, it’s exactly what I need to keep me from it, y’know? He’s really good for me. 

[Pause]

 **Tozier** : So basically, to summarize, I dropped off the face of the earth for a year to take down a cult, re-deal with my sexuality, fall back in love with my childhood crush, and go to therapy and rehab a whole lot. It’s a crazy year, but the good news is that my jokes are way funnier now. 

**Howard** : [laughs] I believe that. I mean, I was a fan before all this, but your jokes never felt like they came from the heart. 

**Tozier** : Yeah, now I can make jokes about my cool boyfriend, who definitely comes from the heart. Bazinga. 

**Howard** : Of course you can.

 **Tozier** : I know I just said Bazinga but if any single person who listens to this gets the idea that I like the Big Bang Theory, I will go buy a 6-pack right fucking now, so-

 **Howard** : [laughs] This just in everybody, Richie Tozier hates the Big Bang Theory. 

**Tozier** : I do, and you can quote me on that. That, and I’m gay. If those are your two takes from this interview, I’m cool with it. 

**Howard** : That, and you’re friends with Bill Denbrough, which is awesome. 

**Tozier** : Yeah, he’s got a stick up his ass. Love that man.

 **Howard** : He seems pretty cool. 

**Tozier** : He is. 

[Pause]

 **Howard** : Thank you so much for coming, Richie.

 **Tozier** : Yeah, man. Thanks for not being fucking weird about me dropping off the face of the earth, y’know. 

**Howard** : Hey man, it happens to the best of us.

 **Tozier** : Sure does. 

**Howard** : Here’s to a better, gayer future. 

**Tozier** : And Eddie Kaspbrak’s dick. 

**Howard** : [Laughs] That too.


End file.
